Happy Milestone Birthday

I came across a book recently, as I was unpacking from our tenth military move. It was from my former best friend. And as I read through it, I reflected on the changes since I received it, as we are no longer friends. And I cried. I felt hurt and angry and almost threw it away, but I feared I’d regret that. So I kept it.

The book was a fill-in mini journal they once gave me of reasons why I’m the BFF (best friend forever-except it wasn’t actually forever). It contained things such as how I can be counted on to lift them up, help them to not be unhealthy, tell them the truth about their blindspots, give good responsible advice, that they’d be lost without my support, and how I make them feel so alive. 

The final entry, #30 says, “Without you, I would probably be very empty inside.” Yup.

Today is their birthday, they are 50. This is a milestone birthday that I never thought I would be excluded from celebrating with this person. We were each other’s “ride or die,” together til the end, sorta a real life Thelma & Louise, minus the law breaking. We finished each other’s sentences. In high school, a teacher once said we shared a brain.

At the beginning of this year, I was dismissed from duty as the best friend, after 35 years of friendship. I didn’t sleep with their spouse, or reveal their secrets to the universe, or any other heinous crime worthy of such rejection. Things between us simply changed in an untenable way. Not having a shared history of trauma suddenly made me unworthy of keeping my title and position, being their safe place, and being privileged enough to remain in the relationship.

I look back at the complimentary reasons they filled into his little journal that was gifted to me, and wonder which of those I had unknowingly neglected, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. Now, we won’t grow old and sit by the fire and philosophize about the universe like we always said we’d do. I miss the sharing. I miss being understood. I miss the connection unlike any other.

As time changes people, sometimes the change is such that we cannot continue to be in relationships that we previously held so dear, and that is heartbreaking. It is unfair. It is a loss that I am still grieving after all these months. It fucking sucks.

“Without you, I would probably be very empty inside.” 

On this milestone birthday, I hope all your other people are filling up your spaces so you do not feel empty and are full of every happiness you can find, old former friend. I do so miss what we had.